Saturday, June 7, 2008

Doubt Your Doubts Before You Doubt Your Beliefs

I think the title of this entry if from a Max Lucado book. It gets me through a lot of circummstances. Faith, human faith that is, is so messy. I am so thankful for this gift of faith that my Father has given me. I just wish I was better at using it. I always second guess myself. It must be one of my great flaws. It goes really well with the layers of guilt I find my self drowning in at times....Was I too harsh because I yelled at the misbehaving kids?...Am I inattentive because I'm cleaning instead of playing Hi HO Cherrio again?...Will I ever have it together enough to make it look like I know what I'm doing?...Then one that is special, just for stepmothers---Is this child on my nerves becuase he's not "mine" or because he's being really annoying?...
Why do I second guess everything I do? This week I even allowed a non believing agnostic to sprinkle her doubting dust all over me. Why? I know God way down deep in my bones. I've known Him as long as I can remember. I know His tendancies, His personality. We are friends. He is my Father, my King, my Savior. I don't presume I understand all that He is (not even a little bit close), or all that He does (I too often am asking why). My journy to be like Him feels like it's barely begun. I know that much more than I want to see my children grow and learn, my Father wants me growing and learning as well.
So I might have been too harsh, but it's usually because I let things go too far before intervening. The house does require cleaning, but aside from health hazzards, playing Hi Ho Cherrio will have a much greater impact on my kids than a clean kitchen (or dust free bedroom, or even clean laundry), I do know what I'm doing and it even looks that way most of the time (at least it does when I am focused on my kids and not my guilt, or chores). And my stepson is mine and sometimes he is being annoying. I am God's choice for my children's mother (and step mother). Who am I to argue with that?
There is no doubt (or doubter) that can can prevail against God's faithfulness. So I will continue to "doubt my doubts" because my beliefs are built on rock solid Truth.

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